Personal

Expectation feeds frustration.

It’s 23:29 and I’m sitting by the kitchen table listening to Susanne Sundfør drinking coffee. I was supposed to go out tonight, but I felt so drained earlier this evening. Now? Wide awake – of course. I slept for a very long time this morning. Ok. Afternoon. I was exhausted and I kept waking up from nightmares. By the end of it I just had to get up and turn on all the lights. After walking around the apartment for a while at 4 o’clock in the morning I finally put on a deep sleep meditation to doze off and then woke up around 12 pm from a dream where all my friends died. Nice, huh? That kind of set the mood for my day, I mean, you know that uneasy feeling you just can’t shake? I’m not sure where I am going with this.. I’m just super frustrated at the moment and need to let it out, but then again there are things in this world I don’t share with everyone which kind of makes that difficult. Let’s just put it this way:

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Then again, we can’t stop expectation. Or drive. Or value. Or moral. What will be left? I mean, everything needs a counterpart, I’m just super frustrated with myself for continuously putting myself in a situation I know will hurt me. Something that I was out of, which I put myself back into and it’s driving me crazy. It’s a loop that pretty much goes like this:

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And here we are. Why is it so hard to let go of things that hurt you, when there’s so many beautiful and heartwarming things right outside your window? ……The irony of the universe. Without chaos there’s no order I guess. Oh well.. That’s all of this ramble – which makes no sense to both you and me.

Good night.

x

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