It’s no secret that the past year has been tough on me, from acute anxiety and total numbness to practical challenges in every major area of my life. To be honest I turned everything around in my darkest hours. I made huge decisions for my future while I couldn’t even get out of bed. It’s been a steep learning curve and even though I still have my ups and downs in the after shake, I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned.
I’ve been asked what caused this and to be honest it’s a number of complex and composed reasons. I’m a hard worker and I’ve always taken pride in going my own way, no matter how much shit I have gotten for it. Like the time I decided to study intellectual history – I never heard the end of it. Where would that take me? What would I become? You know my answer: I don’t know, but I enjoy it and I’m gonna stick with it. Not everyone see the world with your eyes, so it’s important to trust your soul. I’ve been good at that, but I have also lost myself along the way. I ignored my needs at some point and when shit hit the fan I just kept on going. Working harder. Looking the other way. Ignoring my inner feelings. Not letting myself be beaten. And then it happened. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t go to work without spending half the day in the bathroom crying. I couldn’t talk to the people closest to me. I just couldn’t cope – without being able to put words to my feelings.
It’s so easy to see a facade and assume that people are perfect. That all they ever encounter are first world problems. Truth is that we all deal with serious problems throughout our life and it’s so important to pay attention. I wouldn’t want my situation on my worst enemy. I’m so thankful that I found the right person to help me. That I’m so far now from where I was six months ago. Even on days like these where I’m utterly sad and it feels like my heart is bleeding. It’s ok. I feel alive. And tomorrow will be a new day to continue sorting out practical things that’s been over my head. Which is where I am at at the moment. You see, I took a bunch of decisions and kind of just put them to the side. I travelled, a lot. And rested, a lot. I tried to sort out my existential crises. But now is a time for more doing and less reflection. And even in this heart bleeding hour, I am very excited about what’s to come and I find beauty in this disunity of me.
I guess what I’m trying to say is:
There is beauty in being broken.
Which is the quote that sat these emotions in motion. But it is also important to listen to yourself. Be true to yourself. And remember that every obstacle is a chance to learn something new and deeper about you.
So, dear sadness, I appreciate you and I am grateful for the doors you close and those you open. I gladly pay with my tears.