Personal

“I’ll be OK.”

It’s no secret that the past year has been tough on me, from acute anxiety and total numbness to practical challenges in every major area of my life. To be honest I turned everything around in my darkest hours. I made huge decisions for my future while I couldn’t even get out of bed. It’s been a steep learning curve and even though I still have my ups and downs in the after shake, I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned.

I’ve been asked what caused this and to be honest it’s a number of complex and composed reasons. I’m a hard worker and I’ve always taken pride in going my own way, no matter how much shit I have gotten for it. Like the time I decided to study intellectual history – I never heard the end of it. Where would that take me? What would I become? You know my answer: I don’t know, but I enjoy it and I’m gonna stick with it. Not everyone see the world with your eyes, so it’s important to trust your soul. I’ve been good at that, but I have also lost myself along the way. I ignored my needs at some point and when shit hit the fan I just kept on going. Working harder. Looking the other way. Ignoring my inner feelings. Not letting myself be beaten. And then it happened. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t go to work without spending half the day in the bathroom crying. I couldn’t talk to the people closest to me. I just couldn’t cope – without being able to put words to my feelings.

It’s so easy to see a facade and assume that people are perfect. That all they ever encounter are first world problems. Truth is that we all deal with serious problems throughout our life and it’s so important to pay attention. I wouldn’t want my situation on my worst enemy. I’m so thankful that I found the right person to help me. That I’m so far now from where I was six months ago. Even on days like these where I’m utterly sad and it feels like my heart is bleeding. It’s ok. I feel alive. And tomorrow will be a new day to continue sorting out practical things that’s been over my head. Which is where I am at at the moment. You see, I took a bunch of decisions and kind of just put them to the side. I travelled, a lot. And rested, a lot. I tried to sort out my existential crises. But now is a time for more doing and less reflection. And even in this heart bleeding hour, I am very excited about what’s to come and I find beauty in this disunity of me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is:

There is beauty in being broken.

Which is the quote that sat these emotions in motion. But it is also important to listen to yourself. Be true to yourself. And remember that every obstacle is a chance to learn something new and deeper about you.

So, dear sadness, I appreciate you and I am grateful for the doors you close and those you open. I gladly pay with my tears.

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Personal

The unpredictable.

It’s a beautiful autumn day here in Norway and I’ve been enjoying my morning with slow music and chores. Everyday chores, within the right circumstances, usually gives me good reflection-time. Thought trains that makes me question everything. Today my thought train has been tearing apart our need for planning.

The need for planning and the extent of it is independent of course, but we all do it to some extent. We fill our hearts and minds with hopes and dreams, goals and intentions – and we plan out how we are and what we need to reach them, to fulfil our desires. I do that – to some extent. I can be very clear in what my desires are in some areas of my life and I can be totally open or closed in others. I often live on a “happy go lucky”-attitude, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t work hard to achieve my hearts desires. It simply means that I am open to the unpredictable and that I embrace what ever appears in my path – good or bad. I’ve also learned that my desires often collide with my environment, not a new lesson learned by the way, and the hardship it is to accept that others might not accept that.

So, the problem I have with planning is that I simply don’t want my life to be blueprinted in all areas. I want the opportunities and the unpredictable. I want to make choices based on my current situation and my feeling place. I want to be open minded and embrace the music of life – whatever song that might be. And I want to be able to accept how everything turns out in the end, no matter if it is a rocky or a pleasant journey. To me excessive planning is a desperate need for control and a sign that we are outside our feeling place. We cannot control everything. We can guide ourselves in the desired direction.

I plan very little. I take steps and let the world unfold. I desire map twice a year. I prioritise the things that’s closest to my heart at the given time. I plan short term in the direction of my life’s desire and I keep my mind open to changes. I draw out my priorities from my overall desired feeling place.

Excessive planning and the expectation that we always know what we want in any given situation drives me insane. Now, I might have been exposed to this over a period of time, but nothing has ever been clearer to me than that way of living is so very wrong – to me anyway.

So yeah.. there you go. Today’s thought train.

Enjoy your Wednesday.

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Personal

Killing me softly.

Good day dear blog readers,

For the last month and a half I’ve been working on getting back into normal routines. That being work and other responsibilities I’ve chosen to take on – and for some reason it’s just killed my creative expression, which has resulted in the lack of engagement to blogging and other creative expressions.

Autopilot is the death of creativity. Not that I’m constantly autopiloting, but the amount of energy that I’ve got to put in to get things in order just puts me in the state whenever possible. You see, I thrive when I’m either bored or on a high. So now my blog, my Instagram and painting has suffered for a while. I’m not complaining, because I’ve had a very unusual and demanding year dealing with anxiety, practical issues connected to my apartment, time off work, recovering and travelling. Routines is a good thing, it’s just that getting back into them isn’t always easy when you have to prioritise over the things you love to do. I read somewhere sometime that you can view yourself as a garden. Every plant and flower feeds of the water you bring to your garden and therefore is important to choose which plants to keep and which to let go. In other words: be conscious of where you let your energy flow and what you feed – because the things you feed grow.

So, I am sorry, but I have some gardening to do for a little while over here – but I will be back very soon.

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Personal

The twinkle in our eyes.

The world is full of magic things, waiting for our senses to grow sharper.

..But somewhere along the way they weakened. When did we stop viewing the world with amazement and stars in our eyes?

I’ve spent a good amount of time with my nephew lately. He is very new to this world and everything is a beautiful mystery to him. I see the twinkle in his eyes when he discovers a new sound or something as simple and common as a leaf on the pavement. He gets so excited and explodes from the joy of sharing it. It makes me wonder… when do we forget the magic of the world? When is it that we are to busy and occupied to see the beauty right in front of us? The joy of simple enjoyment and to get excited about life for the purpose of life itself?

Now, this is a generalisation of course, I know there to be creative, joyful souls out there who brings delight to us through their stories, music and art every single day. It’s when I look at people from my window seat at a cafe, the bus ride to work or simply at instagram that I loose faith. Can we even be more alike? It’s the importance of being busy, accurate, socially correct, materialistically successful, feigned and like everyone else that makes me feel and live the contrast to the genuinely happy spirit of my nephew.

It makes me sad that we somewhere a long the way loose our childlike spirit and get groomed into depressing adults chasing trophies for others to admire – like we really care. What’s the importance? And why do we care so much about other people’s admiration?

It’s not to be admired that gives true happiness. It is to admire the greater and the most simple things in this world and in life.

I for one am gonna let my nephews enthusiasm rub off on me as long as I can.

I’ll start by enjoying these covers against my skin and stretch out in bed – just because I can!

Truly enjoy your Saturday ❤

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Personal

The existential crises of a seeker.

There are probably various understandings and definitions of “the seeker”, perhaps as many perceptions as humans, but in the end I’m sure we can agree that “the seeker” is a curious being that never stops his/hers search.

I am a seeker. I question everything. As amusing as that may sound, it’s sometimes what I would define as my own personal hell. For a good while now I’ve found myself in a existential crises. You must understand that the question relating to my existence has always been a subject to my mind, but this crises moved it up to the top of my every day self communication.

“What’s the meaning of my life?”

“What do I want in life?”

“Who do I want to be?”

..Are questions that repeat themselves daily. These are all relevant questions that I’m sure we all ask ourselves at some point, but this is driving me crazy. I know that I am not content with the life I am currently living. I want more. There must be more. I don’t mean materialistic things, I mean soul food. Fulfilment. A bigger sensation within myself.

I’ve been through endless books, podcasts and what ever source available to find the answers to these questions – not in a direct manner, but to find patterns and methods for how to move along and find to a more fulfilling place in myself. Some are helpful, some are not. Some inspire me and some just build up frustration. I’ve gotten to a point where I know I have to change the foundation of how I live my life and I know where I want to be (or don’t want to be), I just don’t know how to get there or what I want to do. And it’s paralysing. It’s like trying to find a needle in a dark, unknown room. Where do one start?

In the back of my mind I hear the echoes of unnamed souls who whisper “you’re 30 now, settle down”. Ugh. If you had any remote idea of how painfully untraditional I am at the core of my being, even just suggesting to whisper those words would make you shutter. It actually makes me feel very alone in this world when close relations don’t grasp the fact that we don’t view life’s fruits the same way. The lack of acceptance for a different world view. I mean, I’m ok with both viewing life differently and the fact (as mentioned in an earlier post) that we are alone in this life, but the distance is greater when the acceptance isn’t returned. I am truly happy for everyone who found their happiness and fulfilment with in the social code and values of their society, truly. I’m just not one of you.

So now what? Well, I came to a realisation earlier today while meditating. I’ve forgotten what I enjoyed as a child. I don’t know what I like anymore. To know what I like and want, I must do new things. Right? The answer is so easy that is almost painful that it took me so long to figure out. I felt like that time I tried to figure out my MacBook for the first time: so simple it makes you feel stupid. So here’s to trying new things! Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not the answer to my existents or necessarily my crises, but I do welcome and appreciate any form of movement into my life.

I don’t think I am alone in this problem. How many of us truly knows the intention and motive of how we go about our daily life? Do you ever ask yourself why you do what you do? Do you truly do it for your own happiness or do you live your life from the outside looking in? I mean, what defines success for instance? Is it to reach a state of life where you as a being is fulfilled or is it a state of life where you are glorified by others? We live in a society where we live parts of our life’s so openly and it’s so set by the reactions of others. You know, what is given can always be as easily taken away. I don’t mean that we’re not depended on each other, I mean that there is a difference in our intentions from what we do. I know, for me this is true, that no one else can ever make me truly happy. I can find someone to compliment my life and happiness, but no one can ever be my happiness. That is a recipe for disaster. The same goes for my way of life. I can not depend on the confirmation of others to show me my path of life – then it isn’t really my life I am living is it?

I could go on about this subject for hours, but I’m going to cut it short here and go back to my Sunday brooding and seeking. If you have any good suggestions to new and fun things to try, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment. It’s very much welcomed.

Have a lovely Sunday.

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Personal

The 10 most important things I’ve learned throughout my life.

Life is all about lessons. We learn as long as we live. It’s the core of how we stay in movement, develop and unfold ourselves. I find myself grateful for every decision I’ve made, it’s consequences and the lessons that I’ve learned from them – both good and bad. It’s what has taken me on the path I am today. Some stick deeper then others of course, but I wanted to share the 10 most important things I’ve learned in life so far and maybe you will recognise some of these lessons yourself.

1. Life is a first-person story. Everyone makes decisions from their point of view and the place that they are in at that point in time. It’s so easy to point fingers and be judgemental, but at the core of this it’s important to remember that we all see life through our own eyes. We don’t really know everyone’s story or the reasoning behind other people’s behaviour and choices. Be kind.

2. Appreciation is key. It’s not always easy, but to be grateful for your experiences are important for your wellbeing. There is always something to learn and with time, reflection and the right focus you will come to see that. Appreciate the little things if you find the bigger things hard at first. The more you are grateful for, the more you get to be grateful for. Personally I’ve got a whole notebook dedicated to gratefulness.

3. There will always be people who don’t wish you well. Solution: bye.

4. Mistakes are to be made. We need chaos to know order, like we need sadness to know what it’s truly like to be happy. Mistakes are to be made, but don’t ever let them define you as a person. You MAKE mistakes, you’re not A mistake. An important difference.

5. An accident rarely arrive in ones. When shit hits the fan is usually a shitfest. Breathe.

6. The people who truly love you will always have your back. The best thing about the worst time of your life is that you get to see people’s true colours. (Ref nr.3)

7. Always trust yourself. You’re eyes are easily blinded, but your gut feeling knows. Always.

8. Letting go is the ultimate freedom.

9. If it cost you peace of mind, the price is to high. (Ref nr.8)

10. Change is inescapable. You can choose to make it painful or you can welcome it and the joy it can bring in to your life, either way it is bound to happen.

I’ll round it off with the ultimate life advice:

don’t let anyone talk you out of it.

Thank you for stopping by.

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