Personal

The existential crises of a seeker.

There are probably various understandings and definitions of “the seeker”, perhaps as many perceptions as humans, but in the end I’m sure we can agree that “the seeker” is a curious being that never stops his/hers search.

I am a seeker. I question everything. As amusing as that may sound, it’s sometimes what I would define as my own personal hell. For a good while now I’ve found myself in a existential crises. You must understand that the question relating to my existence has always been a subject to my mind, but this crises moved it up to the top of my every day self communication.

“What’s the meaning of my life?”

“What do I want in life?”

“Who do I want to be?”

..Are questions that repeat themselves daily. These are all relevant questions that I’m sure we all ask ourselves at some point, but this is driving me crazy. I know that I am not content with the life I am currently living. I want more. There must be more. I don’t mean materialistic things, I mean soul food. Fulfilment. A bigger sensation within myself.

I’ve been through endless books, podcasts and what ever source available to find the answers to these questions – not in a direct manner, but to find patterns and methods for how to move along and find to a more fulfilling place in myself. Some are helpful, some are not. Some inspire me and some just build up frustration. I’ve gotten to a point where I know I have to change the foundation of how I live my life and I know where I want to be (or don’t want to be), I just don’t know how to get there or what I want to do. And it’s paralysing. It’s like trying to find a needle in a dark, unknown room. Where do one start?

In the back of my mind I hear the echoes of unnamed souls who whisper “you’re 30 now, settle down”. Ugh. If you had any remote idea of how painfully untraditional I am at the core of my being, even just suggesting to whisper those words would make you shutter. It actually makes me feel very alone in this world when close relations don’t grasp the fact that we don’t view life’s fruits the same way. The lack of acceptance for a different world view. I mean, I’m ok with both viewing life differently and the fact (as mentioned in an earlier post) that we are alone in this life, but the distance is greater when the acceptance isn’t returned. I am truly happy for everyone who found their happiness and fulfilment with in the social code and values of their society, truly. I’m just not one of you.

So now what? Well, I came to a realisation earlier today while meditating. I’ve forgotten what I enjoyed as a child. I don’t know what I like anymore. To know what I like and want, I must do new things. Right? The answer is so easy that is almost painful that it took me so long to figure out. I felt like that time I tried to figure out my MacBook for the first time: so simple it makes you feel stupid. So here’s to trying new things! Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s not the answer to my existents or necessarily my crises, but I do welcome and appreciate any form of movement into my life.

I don’t think I am alone in this problem. How many of us truly knows the intention and motive of how we go about our daily life? Do you ever ask yourself why you do what you do? Do you truly do it for your own happiness or do you live your life from the outside looking in? I mean, what defines success for instance? Is it to reach a state of life where you as a being is fulfilled or is it a state of life where you are glorified by others? We live in a society where we live parts of our life’s so openly and it’s so set by the reactions of others. You know, what is given can always be as easily taken away. I don’t mean that we’re not depended on each other, I mean that there is a difference in our intentions from what we do. I know, for me this is true, that no one else can ever make me truly happy. I can find someone to compliment my life and happiness, but no one can ever be my happiness. That is a recipe for disaster. The same goes for my way of life. I can not depend on the confirmation of others to show me my path of life – then it isn’t really my life I am living is it?

I could go on about this subject for hours, but I’m going to cut it short here and go back to my Sunday brooding and seeking. If you have any good suggestions to new and fun things to try, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment. It’s very much welcomed.

Have a lovely Sunday.

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Personal

A personal journey: The story I wouldn’t share and my most vulnerable moments.

You’re stuck and everything you want is sitting right there in front of you, out of reach.. you crave change with an unsatisfactory hunger and the only thing between you and what you want is your minds limits. I broke it. I took it. All at once.

These last few months have brought massive change for me. It all started a couple of years ago when my long term relationship broke in a very ugly way and my whole world crushed in to a million pieces. Not because of the relationship itself, but because all I thought to be true – like friends and the revelation of characters that I had been surrounding myself with – turned out to be as fake as a three dollar bill. I’m not going to paint myself as a saint here, because I wasn’t, but I find it extremely fascinating how flawed individuals can take the moral high ground in other people’s lives like they’ve never stained themselves. It’s fascinating how morally superior some suddenly get, even knowing that their sheet isn’t clean at all. When fingers are pointed at your flaws and they actually mirror their own. Fascinating. Anyway, I did a massive relations clean out and the time following was very uneasy with a lot of noise from my past life. A vendetta actually. At the very same time I started a new relationship, new relations, a new job and I moved houses. It took my attention away from the noise and I got to refocus, heal a little and grow. I’m very grateful to all the people who were there for me in this time of massive disappointment, grief and heartache. Thank you.

In this time I also distracted myself enough to leave some stuff unhealed, which later came back to haunt me. You see, a few moths ago it all tipped over. Ten years in a bad relationship with both a bad beginning, middle and end, the cruelty of friends I trusted, those who did nothing (and I mean nothing! Which is almost worse) and the pattern of me waiting for others to come around. Adjusting. Hoping for the hopeless. Putting myself a side. I was angry, massively angry and completely done with dancing to anyone else’s tune. I developed severe anxiety. I was depressed. I was down for the count. I think I wore the same t-shirt for weeks.. and I didn’t leave the house. Again, I’m very grateful to you who were there for me and took care of me in this time when I wasn’t capable myself.

I am still not completely where I want to be and I am still healing, but I did decide to make some changes. I did draw my ideal life and I have reached almost every single intention in my desire map. People get surprised over my decision making in this time of need and healing, but to be honest the timing has never been better. Things have never been clearer and I have never been more determined than I am in this moment of time. I started travelling again. I started writing again. Working out again. Painting. I bought a home. I (we) broke off my relationship (we are still friends and I will hold him close to my heart forever, he saved me in many ways and I love him dearly). The difference this time is that all of this is not a distraction, it’s with clarity and intent from my hearts desire. I learned from my downfall what really mattered to me and that soulfood and intentions are more important than any ideal presented from the outside world. And to be honest; it feels both scary as hell and wonderful at the same time, but most importantly it feels right. Even if some of it hurts.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from all of this it is that: Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as being stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

Thank you for reading.

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Personal

Things aren’t always as they seem: 5 lessons I’ve learned in life and how I cope with anxiety.

You might not know this about me, but I suffer from anxiety. It’s not life threatening or something that I deal with every day, but I have moments and periods of time where I really have to work myself out of mental situations which are very challenging. It hasn’t always been so or been this severe, and it’s not something that I’ve shared with many people, but it is a part of my reality. Today is one of those days. These past days have presented a number of challenges to me and even though I have a positive mindset towards them and see a number of possibilities that I am excited about, I do get small cracks that in the end puts my physical and mental state in a sort of hibernation. It’s these days I struggle to get out of bed and to bring my energy up to a level where I can push myself out the door and into a (un)comfortable situation to get over it. I’ve accepted this part of me and I don’t dwell to much over it. And even though this has nothing to do with other people, I thought I’d share some life lessons with you that’s made this acceptable to me and how I cope.

Lesson 1: People see what they want to see.

No matter how much you share or the amount of work you put into your success and failures, people choose to see what they want to see – or believe your story from other’s lips. Somehow I think this is a result of others lack and their denial to face it rather than about you, and that’s OK, but it’s not something you need too deal with.

Lesson 2: Be a scissor, cut bad energy out of your life.

Remove those people from your life. In my case, some of them removed themselves and what a blessing! Spend your time with people who genuinely wishes you the best and cheers you on. Once you notice the difference, you will never bat an eye or hesitate again.

Lesson 3: You are not obligated to do anything. Loose that word from your vocabulary.

You choose what you want and don’t want to do. You are not obligated to do anything. It’s your choice and there is power in that.

Lesson 4:  You are alone.

We come into this world alone and we leave it alone. We are alone in our feelings, our mind and in our body.  I don’t mean loneliness in this case, it’s simply a fact of life and the sooner we realize this – the sooner we can work on our relationship with ourselves.

Lesson 5: Be fearless.

This might sound weird, but even though I suffer from anxiety I try to be as fearless as possible. I do things, go places and try new stuff all the time, especially those things that scare me a bit. Why? Because it’s inspiring,  it makes me grow and gives me good pieces of reflection that move me forward in this life. To be stuck is not to live and if you’ve never failed- you’ve never challenged yourself.

I’m not saying any of this is easy, because if it was we would all live wonderful, fulfilling lives all the time. I’m not gonna say that my anxiety is a blessing either, but it sure is something that I made a conscious choice to use as a tool to push myself. I have days where it’s absolutely inhibitory, but most often it’s a reminder to, as Taylor Swift put so perfectly;”shake it off” and go do something challenging. I know there are people out there who think that everything just comes so easily to me and that my life if a garden of blooming flowers all the time, but this simply isn’t the case.

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So there you go. Things aren’t always as they seem. I wish you a wonderful Saturday wherever you are and I myself are gonna shake it off and get out of my PJ’s.

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