Personal

A personal journey: The story I wouldn’t share and my most vulnerable moments.

You’re stuck and everything you want is sitting right there in front of you, out of reach.. you crave change with an unsatisfactory hunger and the only thing between you and what you want is your minds limits. I broke it. I took it. All at once.

These last few months have brought massive change for me. It all started a couple of years ago when my long term relationship broke in a very ugly way and my whole world crushed in to a million pieces. Not because of the relationship itself, but because all I thought to be true – like friends and the revelation of characters that I had been surrounding myself with – turned out to be as fake as a three dollar bill. I’m not going to paint myself as a saint here, because I wasn’t, but I find it extremely fascinating how flawed individuals can take the moral high ground in other people’s lives like they’ve never stained themselves. It’s fascinating how morally superior some suddenly get, even knowing that their sheet isn’t clean at all. When fingers are pointed at your flaws and they actually mirror their own. Fascinating. Anyway, I did a massive relations clean out and the time following was very uneasy with a lot of noise from my past life. A vendetta actually. At the very same time I started a new relationship, new relations, a new job and I moved houses. It took my attention away from the noise and I got to refocus, heal a little and grow. I’m very grateful to all the people who were there for me in this time of massive disappointment, grief and heartache. Thank you.

In this time I also distracted myself enough to leave some stuff unhealed, which later came back to haunt me. You see, a few moths ago it all tipped over. Ten years in a bad relationship with both a bad beginning, middle and end, the cruelty of friends I trusted, those who did nothing (and I mean nothing! Which is almost worse) and the pattern of me waiting for others to come around. Adjusting. Hoping for the hopeless. Putting myself a side. I was angry, massively angry and completely done with dancing to anyone else’s tune. I developed severe anxiety. I was depressed. I was down for the count. I think I wore the same t-shirt for weeks.. and I didn’t leave the house. Again, I’m very grateful to you who were there for me and took care of me in this time when I wasn’t capable myself.

I am still not completely where I want to be and I am still healing, but I did decide to make some changes. I did draw my ideal life and I have reached almost every single intention in my desire map. People get surprised over my decision making in this time of need and healing, but to be honest the timing has never been better. Things have never been clearer and I have never been more determined than I am in this moment of time. I started travelling again. I started writing again. Working out again. Painting. I bought a home. I (we) broke off my relationship (we are still friends and I will hold him close to my heart forever, he saved me in many ways and I love him dearly). The difference this time is that all of this is not a distraction, it’s with clarity and intent from my hearts desire. I learned from my downfall what really mattered to me and that soulfood and intentions are more important than any ideal presented from the outside world. And to be honest; it feels both scary as hell and wonderful at the same time, but most importantly it feels right. Even if some of it hurts.

If there is one thing I’ve learned from all of this it is that: Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as being stuck somewhere you don’t belong.

Thank you for reading.

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Personal

Things aren’t always as they seem: 5 lessons I’ve learned in life and how I cope with anxiety.

You might not know this about me, but I suffer from anxiety. It’s not life threatening or something that I deal with every day, but I have moments and periods of time where I really have to work myself out of mental situations which are very challenging. It hasn’t always been so or been this severe, and it’s not something that I’ve shared with many people, but it is a part of my reality. Today is one of those days. These past days have presented a number of challenges to me and even though I have a positive mindset towards them and see a number of possibilities that I am excited about, I do get small cracks that in the end puts my physical and mental state in a sort of hibernation. It’s these days I struggle to get out of bed and to bring my energy up to a level where I can push myself out the door and into a (un)comfortable situation to get over it. I’ve accepted this part of me and I don’t dwell to much over it. And even though this has nothing to do with other people, I thought I’d share some life lessons with you that’s made this acceptable to me and how I cope.

Lesson 1: People see what they want to see.

No matter how much you share or the amount of work you put into your success and failures, people choose to see what they want to see – or believe your story from other’s lips. Somehow I think this is a result of others lack and their denial to face it rather than about you, and that’s OK, but it’s not something you need too deal with.

Lesson 2: Be a scissor, cut bad energy out of your life.

Remove those people from your life. In my case, some of them removed themselves and what a blessing! Spend your time with people who genuinely wishes you the best and cheers you on. Once you notice the difference, you will never bat an eye or hesitate again.

Lesson 3: You are not obligated to do anything. Loose that word from your vocabulary.

You choose what you want and don’t want to do. You are not obligated to do anything. It’s your choice and there is power in that.

Lesson 4:  You are alone.

We come into this world alone and we leave it alone. We are alone in our feelings, our mind and in our body.  I don’t mean loneliness in this case, it’s simply a fact of life and the sooner we realize this – the sooner we can work on our relationship with ourselves.

Lesson 5: Be fearless.

This might sound weird, but even though I suffer from anxiety I try to be as fearless as possible. I do things, go places and try new stuff all the time, especially those things that scare me a bit. Why? Because it’s inspiring,  it makes me grow and gives me good pieces of reflection that move me forward in this life. To be stuck is not to live and if you’ve never failed- you’ve never challenged yourself.

I’m not saying any of this is easy, because if it was we would all live wonderful, fulfilling lives all the time. I’m not gonna say that my anxiety is a blessing either, but it sure is something that I made a conscious choice to use as a tool to push myself. I have days where it’s absolutely inhibitory, but most often it’s a reminder to, as Taylor Swift put so perfectly;”shake it off” and go do something challenging. I know there are people out there who think that everything just comes so easily to me and that my life if a garden of blooming flowers all the time, but this simply isn’t the case.

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So there you go. Things aren’t always as they seem. I wish you a wonderful Saturday wherever you are and I myself are gonna shake it off and get out of my PJ’s.

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