Category: Personal

lifestyle, Personal

My cup of empty.

Rebeccmi

You know that confusing feeling when you’re not necessarily sad, you think you’re sad, but you can’t really put you’re finger on it? You’re missing something, you’re in lack of – and you’ve measured that space against something for some time. Its emptiness. It’s the feeling of emptiness. The Emperor of tests. Not a very pleasant feeling, I must admit, but its not really horrible either, its just.. I think were taught to fill up every space we’ve got, all the time, and never really get through the desperation that emptiness creates when first encountered. We don’t linger long enough. Well, I don’t linger long enough. Rephrase: I didn’t use to linger long enough.

It’s a fight. Every single time. Mindfuck can go fuck itself, it’s got nothing on emptiness. It’s so easy to cling to something that disagrees with you’re values when confronted by emptiness. It’s so easy to hold on, refill or make absolutely bonkers decisions to run away from this beast. Even though I struggle with it every time I cut something out of my life or something leaves, I’ve come to learn that emptiness is more like a cat. Yes, I am a cat person. I fucking LOVE cats. Anyway, it might claw, bite and hate you at first. It lays on its back, lets you rub its belly and then just viciously attack you to keep you on alert. But then, after som time of grooming and not trying, it simply teaches you to relax, tend to your needs and to gain respect and value. You see, humans don’t keep cats, cats keep humans. They are master teachers in self value. And once you’ve lingered for this amount of time – then suddenly something appears to fill this space, this space that you’ve come to comfort with, something good and better. Something that doesn’t disagree with your values. Something you actually care about.

Why is this feeling so hard to deal with? I don’t think is odd at all that we sometimes confuse emptiness with sadness, because there is actually sadness there. There is not necessarily sadness about what have been, but ideas about what could have. I’ve encountered this more than the grief of what was, in my adult life. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve become more aware of what it actually is. It is usually the pain of crushed hopes and dreams. Of ideals. Of a shitty canvas painted with the most glorious colors. Not much use when you can’t hang it on the wall, if you ask me. I still do it though. I suspect we all do, consciously or not. So, we have this pain, which I think is greater than the pain of what was, because we’re not moving backwards. We’re moving forward. And now you have to recalculate everything. It’s uncertain, and it is scary. On top of that you have nothing to replace whatever was in there in the first place with. Not at first. It doesn’t work that way. That’s like curing a hangover with three shots of vodka: You’re just delaying and adding to the already painful situation with a worse outcome. So yeah, this is why I think emptiness is the most challenging feeling: it’s sadness, uncertainty, fear and desperation to avoid a void all wrapped up in one fierce little present.

I googled emptiness-quotes to see what other minds of humankind have consolidated themselves with in the earring meet-and-greet with emptiness – and the aftermath for that matter – and this is so simple, but so true: The usefulness of a cup is in its emptiness. I’m going to be honest here, I’ve never thought about emptiness that way, but now that it’s put out there right in front of me, I can’t help but to see the genius of it. We fill our lives with what we choose to fill it with, and that is sort of the purpose, no? Either it be wine, beer or water in your cup. That’s a matter of preference. Or values if you want. Sometimes it’s easy to fill it with the wrong thing, like beer when what you really need is water. So pour with clarity. Don’t grab whatever is in front of you, just for the purpose of filling your cup.

I am empty today. I have a void and I am struggling – which obviously led me to write this out. It’s my way of making sure I don’t fill my cup unnecessarily and rather let emptiness linger until I’m ready to greet something amazing.

So here’s to the Emperor, I salute you with my cup of empty.

x

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lifestyle, Personal

Burst into flames, rise from the ashes.

Rebeccmi

“Every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better” Dr. Steve Maraboli said. I read that today and found infinite truth in it. Come to think of it, that’s how life works. I mean, even though I don’t remember, I’m pretty sure being born is a little piece of hell. Like every great transition in life, the painful change, result in something much better. Not always right away, but down the line for sure. Pain makes us change and grow. It inspires and transform.

Yesterday I was very hurt and angry. When something cuts me deep, I tend to react with anger. Great anger. Because I care. Not necessarily for the situation itself, but on a deeper level. It changes my perspective. My values. My fundament. And these are hard things to deal with. I’m over the worst of it now. Like I wrote yesterday: it was unexpectedly expected. I knew I needed to make some changes. I’ve been dwelling on these changes for quite some time already. Close to a year actually. I’ve just been very, very lost. You see, when your life is turned upside down like mine was a couple of years ago and everything you knew suddenly became uncertain – there is a constant upward climb to be made. Not just practically in life, but the whole inner world as well. Standing in it in the moment you face hopelessness, pain, despair, desperation and shame. All the feelings we all try to avoid. I’ve come to learn that these emotions are the most valuable ones. These emotions are the force behind everything good. A fundament build on unicorns shitting rainbows seldom end up standing through the storm. They run when the thunder starts in the horizon. A good foundation is solid and that means being prepared for anything, especially the things we fear most. And how do we build that? Well, is really about the cliche of being secure in yourself, but not in the manner you might think. Its not about convincing yourself about your best self, its about facing and handling the most crucial feelings and reactions you can experience. The hard ones you usually avoid. That we are taught to avoid – and that’s a learning curve built on experience. Simply put: Stop living in flight-or-flight mode. Let things unfold, sort of speak.

My day today has been pretty good, even if I feel like my whole face is eyebrows at the moment. I went and got them tattooed you see, and damn! These things could have their own heartbeat. It kind of felt like they did too, because that was some painful shit. I’m very much looking forward to the end result, right now I wish it still was halloween-month so I could get away with it. Anyway, I also sorted out a couple of things. I had a fruity conversation with my lawyer, so things regarding my apartment is coming close to an end. Finally. After seven months of being a bit frustrated. And I actually had an epiphany – I want to learn more about business development, entrepreneurship and innovation, so I applied for some courses at university. Im quite excited about that actually, having tasted that in my work life it made me hungry for more knowledge, and I think this is what I want to work with. So fingers crossed that I get in! All that from feeling super sorry for myself yesterday. It moved me further along than I’ve moved in the past six months, where I’ve just dwelled in my existential crises without any sense of direction. As you can imagine, I feel very content at the moment. And excited about where this is heading.

I’m gonna wrap this up now: Welcome the hardship of life, it might surprise you in mysterious and wonderful ways.

x

Personal

If I cut you off, chances are, you handed me the scissors.

Rebeccmi

Today I’m extremely pissed off. My day has been the definition of a blue Monday. To be honest, I’m actually sad and hurt, but knowing myself I tend to lash that out in anger. Not so frequently anymore, but today I really feel it. It’s probably because it really got me deep in there. I’m not gonna paint out the situation because I don’t think that’s fair and I don’t want to out anyone, but I’m definitely going to try to explain it at best.

It all boils down to expectations. Both internal and external. And even though I know for a fact that the party in which I was expectant of, revolves around really shitty values, I still had some hope that things would work out. I didn’t really honer my values and boundaries, so the result is unexpectedly expected. I fucking hate to be human sometimes. I mean, I usually don’t take the easy way out, but somehow I put myself in that situation regarding this matter and boi that hit me hard. You know, when you lie to yourself. That is the worst kind of lying, because truth eventually catches up with you and you feel guilty for breaking your own heart. (It kind of goes for lying in general now that I read that over.)Well, I can’t speak for you, but that is how it is for me. I’m not saying that I carry the responsibility alone here and that other people can’t break you, but in the end it is my responsibility and I accepted this against my better knowing. It’s extra hard because of all the energy that I have put in to this and the importance I made it play in several areas of my life. And then there is this one asshole that gets away with fucking everyone over. Got to love them huh? I wasn’t unaware of this fact, so I should have moved on some time ago. Truth is that I didn’t have the strength and now that I’m finally on the rise, this shit hits the fan. Not the worst timing, but certainly not the best either. I just feel super fragile.

So what have I been doing today? Cursing out and wishing everything this person touches turns to shit. It’s in these situations I really hope both karma and the law of manifestation is real. When I was done with that for the time being, I took some time to meditate on death and ended it all with rolling in self pity. I’m a true believer in living out ones feelings, instead of ignoring them and letting them build up. But do I feel any better? No. I’m still royally pissed off, executing murder fantasies and feel mostly vengeful. In the end I know it’s not worth it, but for now it’s a slight release.

I’m gonna take a break now, go to the gym and try to get some frustration out. Hopefully I won’t encounter some happy fucking positive jolly fucker. Then I’m gonna enrol back into my personal darkness until it gives me motivation and ambition to surpass it all. Which includes cutting these fuckers off.

I hope your Monday is better than mine.

x

lifestyle, Personal

The judgement detox.

Rebeccmi

Judgement. Taste it. Taste the lingering bitterness upon your lips. If it doesn’t give you a bad taste in your mouth, it is because the ego has sugarcoated the word for you for how ever long you’ve been unaware of the bitterness it brings to your life.

Recently I picked up a book by Gabrielle Bernstein called the judgement detox. I was drawn to this book in my endless flip through of new inspiration simply because of my personal awareness and relationship with my own judgement and criticism. I decided a couple of years ago that I would change my way of thinking about myself and my surroundings. I wanted that vicious and ruthless voice to stop dominating my everyday conversations I have with myself. You know, that voice that throws you thoughts out of nowhere. The voice that tells you all that’s wrong with everything, yourself and others alike. This ego turned my life into a never ending documentary with a cruel and merciless commentator – transforming a beautiful world into a gloomy scene. I guess one is not aware of it until one actually address it. You see, I was tired. I was tired of the negativity I brought to myself. I wanted it to stop. I then decided that I would ask myself how I justified my nasty thoughts about others and why I thought what I thought. Who am I to criticise complete strangers on a bus? Based on what? What does it bring to my life? These where the questions I asked myself once that viscous commentator started going. I had a serious conversation with myself – every single time. Let me tell you, it’s no picnic in the park. But it was necessary. I think it took about two months until I didn’t have to address the Hyde to my Jekyll on a daily basis regarding what my eyes could see. Until it stopped being an everyday battle. The result of doing this was actually massive. Not only is my everyday life more wonderful than ever from stopping criticising and judging others – but in the process I stopped doing this to myself as well. The relief of this cannot be explained. It has to be experienced.

Now, my Hyde is not dead. Far from it. He is not buried either. My Hyde is very much alive and going. I don’t want him dead, not by the least. What I do want is for Hyde to be balanced. For his influence to be of benefit, for him to not gloom my life away. Judgement is necessary, you see, to some degree. It’s a survival mechanism. We need it to assess situations, to make decisions. The challenge occurs when this little monster grows out of its proportions and eat you. And it is easy to detect whom is all consumed by their monster: pointing out others flaws, high self criticism (often also disguised in the critic of others), the urge of assertiveness – to mention some of the symptoms. These symptoms, when not addressed, can build the biggest life-lie and bury you in your self-deception. Nothing good comes from either. You are creating your own personal hell and when it starts to crack, the fall will be much harder. Much harder than facing reality, which is hard in it self.

When I started the book I though “well, this is exactly what I’ve been doing!” and was very content with myself. Maybe a little to content (Hello Mr.Hyde). I decided to make use of Jordan Peterson’s rule 9 from the 12 rules for life An antidote to chaos: Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don’t. Gabrielle Bernstein definitely knows something I don’t, and the things we do have in common, she puts in to a symphony of very understandable words. She says:

While we all have different stories that caused us to separate from love, we all have the same response to feeling alone in the world: fear. One way we respond to that feeling of fear is to fight back by judging others. It’s our way of trying to build ourselves up. We lean on judgment as our great protector. I cannot overstate this: Judgment is the #1 reason we feel lonely, sad and disconnected. Our popular culture and media place enormous value on social status, looks, racial and religious separation, and material wealth. We are made to feel less than, separate and not good enough, so we use judgment to insulate ourselves from the pain of feeling inadequate, insecure or unworthy. It’s easier to make fun of, write off or judge someone for a perceived weakness of theirs than it is to examine our own sense of lack.

Judgement protects us. It protects us from our innermost deepest feelings of lack, shame and weakness. It also protects us from making deadly mistakes. So however tempting it is to evict judgement all together, judgement is a necessity. What we do not need is judgement to rule our lives. We need to address ourselves, we need to stop glooming down ourselves, our lives and everything that enters and exits. We need to look inward and to be honest with ourselves.

I only started this book, so I’m not in a place where I can give a full review. But the book has already inspired me and given me something of value. It’s message is so important that I wanted to put it out there right away: Don’t let judgement, whom is there to protect you, be your destruction.

I Sincerely wish that this has inspired you as it inspired me, and if you choose to pick up the book: enjoy your read and a good taste in our mouth.

Have a lovely Sunday.

x

Personal

Never have I ever dealt with anything more difficult than my soul.

Rebeccmi

It’s that uncomfortable feeling of the unknown. The fear of being tricked, hurt and for your heart to be mutilated. The fear of scares opening and the outline of new wounds to manifest into reality. It is the uncomfortable feeling of insecurity that makes itself present and play with matches with the intent to start a fire. A fire to ravish everything that you so carefully created, to leave you as a crumbled soul.

It is not fear itself that compose this apprehensive and anxious condition. It is the overthinking, the want and the composed ideal that you created in your mind. When want walk along side fear, insecurity comes along for the opportunity to poke a hole in your perfect castle of air. It doesn’t even have to be perfect. It doesn’t have to be a lie. But it must be an ideal that you’ve built out of your wants – where the foundation is crackled so that the ghost of doubt can seep through.

It’s overwhelming. It starts a spin. If you don’t get off, your personal tornado will break everything in it’s way. But how do we do it? How do we get off?

We look inside. We search for the truth within. We listen for the calm. And we break ourselves a little. We learn and we accept that we are idealists. Maybe we even start our own fire to rid ourselves of the weeds of insecurity and unneeded, unhealthy ideas. We cry to put it out and we take time to let our foundation flourish again.

Confidence is silent. Insecurities are loud. Choose carefully whom you listen to.

x

Personal

The silence of white.

Rebeccmi

The soundless fall of snow brings silence with it, upon all living and non-living things. The silence isn’t empty. It’s a pause in a noisy world. It’s the moment you can hear your soul. Silence isn’t empty. Silence is full of answers.

silently like thoughts that come and go, snowflakes fall, each on a gem.

I woke to the snowflakes dancing today. The trees are covered in white and it’s quiet. Usually I’m not thrilled over this because it usually means I’m stuck on the hill I live on. It’s cold. And it is days like this I don’t bother to step outside my door. But my heart sings today. As I poured my coffee, I could hear the silence. The calm. I could feel the love of just being and everything fell into place.

x

Personal

“I’ll be OK.”

Rebeccmi

It’s no secret that the past year has been tough on me, from acute anxiety and total numbness to practical challenges in every major area of my life. To be honest I turned everything around in my darkest hours. I made huge decisions for my future while I couldn’t even get out of bed. It’s been a steep learning curve and even though I still have my ups and downs in the after shake, I am so grateful for the lessons I have learned.

I’ve been asked what caused this and to be honest it’s a number of complex and composed reasons. I’m a hard worker and I’ve always taken pride in going my own way, no matter how much shit I have gotten for it. Like the time I decided to study intellectual history – I never heard the end of it. Where would that take me? What would I become? You know my answer: I don’t know, but I enjoy it and I’m gonna stick with it. Not everyone see the world with your eyes, so it’s important to trust your soul. I’ve been good at that, but I have also lost myself along the way. I ignored my needs at some point and when shit hit the fan I just kept on going. Working harder. Looking the other way. Ignoring my inner feelings. Not letting myself be beaten. And then it happened. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t go to work without spending half the day in the bathroom crying. I couldn’t talk to the people closest to me. I just couldn’t cope – without being able to put words to my feelings.

It’s so easy to see a facade and assume that people are perfect. That all they ever encounter are first world problems. Truth is that we all deal with serious problems throughout our life and it’s so important to pay attention. I wouldn’t want my situation on my worst enemy. I’m so thankful that I found the right person to help me. That I’m so far now from where I was six months ago. Even on days like these where I’m utterly sad and it feels like my heart is bleeding. It’s ok. I feel alive. And tomorrow will be a new day to continue sorting out practical things that’s been over my head. Which is where I am at at the moment. You see, I took a bunch of decisions and kind of just put them to the side. I travelled, a lot. And rested, a lot. I tried to sort out my existential crises. But now is a time for more doing and less reflection. And even in this heart bleeding hour, I am very excited about what’s to come and I find beauty in this disunity of me.

I guess what I’m trying to say is:

There is beauty in being broken.

Which is the quote that sat these emotions in motion. But it is also important to listen to yourself. Be true to yourself. And remember that every obstacle is a chance to learn something new and deeper about you.

So, dear sadness, I appreciate you and I am grateful for the doors you close and those you open. I gladly pay with my tears.

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