It’s been a while. Again.
Life happens so fast. Then so very slow. Before it picks up again. Never ending circle. Also I needed a break. A break from overindulging in my existence from an internal perspective. But then, suddenly, I feel like I’m back to where I was a year ago. Ok, that’s not completely true, but I recognize these icky feelings I thought that I’d worked trough. Two steps forward and one step back, right? The challenge is that that one step back feels like such a huge burden when the picture is blurry.
I cleaned out my closet a long time ago. That closet being my life filled with people, situations, patterns and habits. It’s a lonely process. And it’s an emotional one. Some things we keep against all odds because of sentiment, some because we think there’s a quality to them, some we love unconditionally, and with time that closet filles up with new stuff. Stuff you’d think you’d put more effort to figure out than the first time around. Cleaning out is a heavy and tiering process, so picking new stuff should be done more carefully. But that’s not always the reality, is it? Also, what we need at one point in time, becomes useless or burdensome in another. My challenge is that my clean out was extensive. I needed a (almost) completely new wardrobe. Picking a new one has been very difficult. Some of the new pieces I love, most dearly. But most pieces never get in the door and I often find my self hesitating if the cloth is worthy of my hanger. I spend so much time and energy evaluating that I loose focus on the other important things in my life.
The evaluation process can be destructive. The balance between letting someone in, but not to close. Until I’m sure. It’s mind and time consuming. I lose track of the other things in my closet. Important things. The empty spaces. Lessons. Lessons I learned the hard way. I’ve now found myself being smacked in the face with an old lesson. An empty space. An empty space where I find myself alone. Alone and vulnerable. Ugh. That’s my step back. Or maybe it’s progression. A reminder. Who knows. It depends which angle you view it from. Thing is, I’m tired of standing on my toes. Being alert all the time. Losing myself, overthinking. I want the things I put in my wardrobe to be safe. To be things I can rely on. To always have an outfit and feel good about it, no matter the circumstances of that particular day. What I didn’t realize was that I needed another clean out. My focus on the new took away from checking the existing. Ok, not an overhaul, but to throw away one of those pieces I kept with both sentiment and because I believed there was a certain quality to it. To get rid of things when they are unraveled, so that I won’t need a huge clean out in the future. A tough reminder that the sentimental pieces also need evaluating. Seeing the loose thread requires attention.
I’ve been very particular in what I let in and what I don’t. I’ve cut things that I realized didn’t fit with my vibe in there. It hasn’t been that hard to be honest. I’ve accepted and I have let go of plenty of pieces over the last year. But this thing, this piece right now, is not compatible with the new. It hurts on a deeper level. Both heart and mind knows, and they agree for once, but the pain isn’t any lesser.
This space will be left empty. Nothing new will fill its space and it will be a painful reminder of how to keep my closet in order for the future.