A (not so very) Fresh start.

I’m not sure how I am to start this, because I am disconnected from myself while all my worst fears are surfecing at the same time.

I woke up with anxiety today.

It’s been a while. And this has taken me totally by surprise. My physical state is a combination of uncontrollable shaking, incapacitated breathing and continuosly on the verge of crying.

My emotional state is hard to describe. I am claustrophobic in my skin. My flee mechanism is on high alert, but I know there is nowhere to escape myself. Which again puts me on the verge of crying.

In relation to my anxiety I’ve been asked what I am anxious about. The truth is that I don’t know. It is the fear of the fear. It’s the fear of being alone and the fear of not being alone. It is incapacity of not being able to escape myself and the fear of being able to do exactly that. It is the non-acceptance. It is the cruelty, the worst of it’s kind, that only I can do to myself. It is a sadness that is impossible to describe with words. The kind that makes you numb, but it moves you past it to the other side of the scale. It is a hopelessness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

I know I have to get out of the house to cope, but at this stage I am frozen. My plans for the day will not happen. Things will have to wait. At the same time I know I have to to one of the things I planned. I need to overcome this by managing to do one task. The truth is that I don’t feel safe anywhere, not even in my home.

I’m not sure why I am sharing this. I thought that writing it out might help in a way. Put words to the experience. Also, one of my greatest fears with my anxiety is to break down publicly, in which I kind of am doing at this moment by typing this for the world to read. Maybe there is some comfort in that. Or maybe there is some spite, a clear “fuck you” to my anxiety.

I’m breaking. Can we move on now?


2 Comments

  1. Seems like most of your posts have a theme that indicates you are suffering from depression, or something like that. Sometimes, just taking one second at a time will let you get past the next minute. It can be really tough getting past ourselves.

    If I had any advice… (I am not qualified to do this)… it would be to see something new, go to a new place or anything that will open your mind to a new experience. Just for a couple of hours. Teasing the mind with a new flavor might be enough to distract it from the self-destructive path.

    Easier said then done, right?! Especially if you are at the point where you can’t even tie your shoelaces without feeling like you want to vomit. But you CAN do it. You CAN be stronger than yourself. It is a choice. It is not an easy choice to see through to the end. But you really CAN do it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have been suffering from depression, yes. So that’s right on point. It is a rollercoaster to get out of, but it is worth it.

      Thank you for the advice, travelling has been a huge element in my recovery, so I’m not a stranger to pushing myself in that or any direction really. It is hard to see or know what to say and do in regard to others because you only see what I am willing to share. I can assure you that I am doing ok though. The difficulty arises with anxiety which is totally uncontrollable- like you said with the shoelaces.
      Thank you for the kind words πŸ™πŸ»

      Like

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