I’m not sure how I am to start this, because I am disconnected from myself while all my worst fears are surfecing at the same time.
I woke up with anxiety today.
It’s been a while. And this has taken me totally by surprise. My physical state is a combination of uncontrollable shaking, incapacitated breathing and continuosly on the verge of crying.
My emotional state is hard to describe. I am claustrophobic in my skin. My flee mechanism is on high alert, but I know there is nowhere to escape myself. Which again puts me on the verge of crying.
In relation to my anxiety I’ve been asked what I am anxious about. The truth is that I don’t know. It is the fear of the fear. It’s the fear of being alone and the fear of not being alone. It is incapacity of not being able to escape myself and the fear of being able to do exactly that. It is the non-acceptance. It is the cruelty, the worst of it’s kind, that only I can do to myself. It is a sadness that is impossible to describe with words. The kind that makes you numb, but it moves you past it to the other side of the scale. It is a hopelessness that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I know I have to get out of the house to cope, but at this stage I am frozen. My plans for the day will not happen. Things will have to wait. At the same time I know I have to to one of the things I planned. I need to overcome this by managing to do one task. The truth is that I don’t feel safe anywhere, not even in my home.
I’m not sure why I am sharing this. I thought that writing it out might help in a way. Put words to the experience. Also, one of my greatest fears with my anxiety is to break down publicly, in which I kind of am doing at this moment by typing this for the world to read. Maybe there is some comfort in that. Or maybe there is some spite, a clear “fuck you” to my anxiety.
I’m breaking. Can we move on now?