These last couple of weeks has been very hectic and the lack of good sleep is starting to get the better of me. Even so I am very happy to see and feel life progressing in a direction that is most welcoming, but there is something lurking under the surface.
I’ve been sharing some of my challenges earlier and I am on a uprise, but I also had a new, quite hard crack in my foundation very recently. So now that the phase is picking up, and with lovely things I must point out, I still get both mentally and physically exhausted when I don’t find enough space to breathe. The biggest issue at the moment is actually sleep. I have a hard time falling asleep. And when I do sleep, my dreams are nightmares. Not the kind where a monster creeps up on you, but psychological ones that really creeps into my inner corner of emotions and state of mind. They claw themselves on there. You know that feeling when you wake up from a bad dream and you just can’t shake it off? Yeah, that’s pretty much half of my day – every day lately. I have no idea how to handle this. I mean, I can write down these dreams and analyze them to death, but I feel that might push me deeper into them. Even though writing this out, right now, I see that there’s no use in ignoring them either, because they keep coming to back to haunt me anyway.
As mentioned my dreams are psychological terrors. They play out pretty normally from a storytelling perspective, but it’s my reaction and me falling into old patterns that is the true terror. I return into situations with people I let go a long time ago, unhealthy and toxic people and situations, to find myself in a state of utter insecurity. Easily explained: I care about what everyone else thinks and I have no sense of self. My self is defined by outer conditions, which in these dreams are people who where no good to me. I rather have death and monsters to be honest, because the lingering feelings these dreams creates is seriously sad and heartbreaking. I spent a lot of time working on both grief and feelings regarding this matter at the present time and in the aftermath, but somehow I guess there is something deep down there that hasen’t really been worked out yet. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of forgiveness or if it is something else, but I am really starting to lean towards forgiveness. Which is hard when you’re still angry. You see, I’ve went some hundred rounds with myself to work out the forgiving part – both of the people involved and myself. We are never alone in a relation, so we need to own up to the fact that we are just as much involved in it as the other party – both in call to action and when we choose no action. That also means that we have to forgive ourselves as much, often more, as the other people involved. Ok, we’re getting off topic, but this is also why I write: to get everything out of my system and to see things clearly. So I am hoping my night will be more peaceful tonight. God knows I need it, because this month is full of happenings.
That is the status quo: Haunted by nightmares. If you have any tips regarding how to deal with returning nightmares, please feel free to share. — And I hope you get a full night of delicious sleep.