My cup of empty.

You know that confusing feeling when you’re not necessarily sad, you think you’re sad, but you can’t really put you’re finger on it? You’re missing something, you’re in lack of – and you’ve measured that space against something for some time. Its emptiness. It’s the feeling of emptiness. The Emperor of tests. Not a very pleasant feeling, I must admit, but its not really horrible either, its just.. I think were taught to fill up every space we’ve got, all the time, and never really get through the desperation that emptiness creates when first encountered. We don’t linger long enough. Well, I don’t linger long enough. Rephrase: I didn’t use to linger long enough.

It’s a fight. Every single time. Mindfuck can go fuck itself, it’s got nothing on emptiness. It’s so easy to cling to something that disagrees with you’re values when confronted by emptiness. It’s so easy to hold on, refill or make absolutely bonkers decisions to run away from this beast. Even though I struggle with it every time I cut something out of my life or something leaves, I’ve come to learn that emptiness is more like a cat. Yes, I am a cat person. I fucking LOVE cats. Anyway, it might claw, bite and hate you at first. It lays on its back, lets you rub its belly and then just viciously attack you to keep you on alert. But then, after som time of grooming and not trying, it simply teaches you to relax, tend to your needs and to gain respect and value. You see, humans don’t keep cats, cats keep humans. They are master teachers in self value. And once you’ve lingered for this amount of time – then suddenly something appears to fill this space, this space that you’ve come to comfort with, something good and better. Something that doesn’t disagree with your values. Something you actually care about.

Why is this feeling so hard to deal with? I don’t think is odd at all that we sometimes confuse emptiness with sadness, because there is actually sadness there. There is not necessarily sadness about what have been, but ideas about what could have. I’ve encountered this more than the grief of what was, in my adult life. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve become more aware of what it actually is. It is usually the pain of crushed hopes and dreams. Of ideals. Of a shitty canvas painted with the most glorious colors. Not much use when you can’t hang it on the wall, if you ask me. I still do it though. I suspect we all do, consciously or not. So, we have this pain, which I think is greater than the pain of what was, because we’re not moving backwards. We’re moving forward. And now you have to recalculate everything. It’s uncertain, and it is scary. On top of that you have nothing to replace whatever was in there in the first place with. Not at first. It doesn’t work that way. That’s like curing a hangover with three shots of vodka: You’re just delaying and adding to the already painful situation with a worse outcome. So yeah, this is why I think emptiness is the most challenging feeling: it’s sadness, uncertainty, fear and desperation to avoid a void all wrapped up in one fierce little present.

I googled emptiness-quotes to see what other minds of humankind have consolidated themselves with in the earring meet-and-greet with emptiness – and the aftermath for that matter – and this is so simple, but so true: The usefulness of a cup is in its emptiness. I’m going to be honest here, I’ve never thought about emptiness that way, but now that it’s put out there right in front of me, I can’t help but to see the genius of it. We fill our lives with what we choose to fill it with, and that is sort of the purpose, no? Either it be wine, beer or water in your cup. That’s a matter of preference. Or values if you want. Sometimes it’s easy to fill it with the wrong thing, like beer when what you really need is water. So pour with clarity. Don’t grab whatever is in front of you, just for the purpose of filling your cup.

I am empty today. I have a void and I am struggling – which obviously led me to write this out. It’s my way of making sure I don’t fill my cup unnecessarily and rather let emptiness linger until I’m ready to greet something amazing.

So here’s to the Emperor, I salute you with my cup of empty.

x

2 Comments

  1. There is great value in emptiness. There is great value in not having memories created by something you loved that was later damaged or taken away from you. That maybe it was better not to have felt at all.Never feel obligated that you must put something inside something else. An empty box does not demand to be filled.

    Don’t you know the beauty and leveling peace that comes with what you feel when you stand on the edge of tundra and watch something so far away that it is a spec in the distance? And you know as you stand there alone… in the vastness of that land… that there is greatness In all that emptiness.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do agree. I fact, the universe has more space than materials. The human body is more space than material. It is the space in between the particles that we never even give a second thought. I’ll even bet your living room is more space than furniture.. so yes, there is greatness in all emptiness and you are right, a box does not demand to be filled. But there is also difference between the box’s ignorance and the human psychological restraints. To deny that would be lying to oneself. In my case anyway.
      The feeling and experience of love and hurt is also something great, I think, and I wouldn’t rob myself of that. But in this case it’s not about intently filling the space, it’s about letting something in that you didn’t have in the first place and letting it expand. Then when it leaves, there will be space yet again.

      You’re making me philosophical before 8 am. Thank you 😂 Now I have something to crack my mind open over while I commute to work.

      Like

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