Today I’m extremely pissed off. My day has been the definition of a blue Monday. To be honest, I’m actually sad and hurt, but knowing myself I tend to lash that out in anger. Not so frequently anymore, but today I really feel it. It’s probably because it really got me deep in there. I’m not gonna paint out the situation because I don’t think that’s fair and I don’t want to out anyone, but I’m definitely going to try to explain it at best.
It all boils down to expectations. Both internal and external. And even though I know for a fact that the party in which I was expectant of, revolves around really shitty values, I still had some hope that things would work out. I didn’t really honer my values and boundaries, so the result is unexpectedly expected. I fucking hate to be human sometimes. I mean, I usually don’t take the easy way out, but somehow I put myself in that situation regarding this matter and boi that hit me hard. You know, when you lie to yourself. That is the worst kind of lying, because truth eventually catches up with you and you feel guilty for breaking your own heart. (It kind of goes for lying in general now that I read that over.)Well, I can’t speak for you, but that is how it is for me. I’m not saying that I carry the responsibility alone here and that other people can’t break you, but in the end it is my responsibility and I accepted this against my better knowing. It’s extra hard because of all the energy that I have put in to this and the importance I made it play in several areas of my life. And then there is this one asshole that gets away with fucking everyone over. Got to love them huh? I wasn’t unaware of this fact, so I should have moved on some time ago. Truth is that I didn’t have the strength and now that I’m finally on the rise, this shit hits the fan. Not the worst timing, but certainly not the best either. I just feel super fragile.
So what have I been doing today? Cursing out and wishing everything this person touches turns to shit. It’s in these situations I really hope both karma and the law of manifestation is real. When I was done with that for the time being, I took some time to meditate on death and ended it all with rolling in self pity. I’m a true believer in living out ones feelings, instead of ignoring them and letting them build up. But do I feel any better? No. I’m still royally pissed off, executing murder fantasies and feel mostly vengeful. In the end I know it’s not worth it, but for now it’s a slight release.
I’m gonna take a break now, go to the gym and try to get some frustration out. Hopefully I won’t encounter some happy fucking positive jolly fucker. Then I’m gonna enrol back into my personal darkness until it gives me motivation and ambition to surpass it all. Which includes cutting these fuckers off.
I hope your Monday is better than mine.